I wish I knew it wasn’t as easy as it was depicted in porn movies.

My first time was also her first time. So both of us were not really experts in the field per say. We had done a lot of other exciting things before we decided to have s*x for the first time, like just lots and lots of foreplay, after which she’d leave and do her thing and I’d just, you know, spank the monkey and finish the job.

Then one day we decided, why not? In the videos we’ve seen so far, they’re enjoying a lot and it seems exciting. So we mutually decided to lose our virginity to each other. To make matters better, we were raised in an area where s*x education is basically non-existant. When we reached the “Human Reproductive System” in Biology in secondary school, the teacher told us to go read about it at home and ask if any doubts later, and that was that.Then we were made to sketch the female reproductive system from our Essential Biology textbook.

Anyway since I was always a curious cat, I’d always known about protection, from the database of all useful as well as absolutely useless knowledge, the internet.

So the day came and I went to the pharmacy, and got myself a three-pack of condoms. Then we went back to my place and things started getting hot and the time came for the final showdown…You remember that song, finally oo.. its about to go down.

In the heat of the moment, we tore open the condom packet and while I expected to see a balloon-like structure, here I was looking at a ring. What the heck, a ring? How does this go on my cylinder-like object of pleasure?  The manual pretty much said “pinch the tip to avoid air bubbles, and roll it down the erect penis”. I looked down though, and couldn’t find the erect penis it was talking about. So that pretty much ended in a mutual facepalm. Okay no, we’re not going to give up. So we heated up things again, and went at it until the erect penis reappeared.  Ahh Oluwaseun , today is the day. It was then a “go go go!!” moment to wear the condom. I tried, failed miserably because by the time I managed to put it on, my junior betrayed me and crawled back into its hole. Goodbye condom #1.

We were still determined, so out came the next one and we again heated up things. This time I asked her to put it on so that I don’t get distracted. It was finally a success! Then came the final moment we were all waiting for. Time to park the car in the garage! Aaaand…wait, where’s the hole? Ladies how many holes do you have again 3 or 4?

First shot missed the target….. Small Doctor was was still hustling at that time, it was a moment of “o ti gba penalty wo throwing”

Second shot…missed!

Third, fourth, fifth…missed missed missed! Damnit! I checked with my finger to see if it’s still there, but I missed it again. And after few more attempts, junior just got tired of my stupidity and betrayed me again. Goodbye condom #2.

The last condom looked at me. I looked back. This is our last shot, we said to each other.

Repeat. The time came for the hole exploration. And finally, I found it! Yes! It went in there!

But after all this effort, it merely turned into a game of football. I scored the goal, and then that was it. She was not wet, I was not excited, and no, no one climaxed that day. We went home in defeat

Oh I forgot to mention. During the whole skit, my babe was mostly on her back, not moaning in pleasure, but laughing her a*s off.

……

I hope your first time was not as miserable as mine.

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