An Ode for .. Simon Henry

Victor Billot

Victor Billot is a Dunedin writer. He is the author of the poetry collection The Sets (Otago University Press, 2020), and writes a weekly satirical Ode each Sunday for Newsroom.

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The bard of the South on the wretch of the year

Out on a Lim

King Simon of DGL
storms through the villages of the north,
setting fire to the modest huts
of the Eurasian Fluff
and trampling their fresh fruit
and vegetables under hoof.
The scribblers of the Royal Press
note his withering pronouncements;
his legendary castle is filled
neck high with gold doubloons.
Further and further he marches,
further away from his feudal lands
where the Great Traditions hold fast,
where nothing changes,
and where the Word of Simon is Law
and challenged by no man or fluff.
Further and further he marches
with his band of loyal and silent retainers
into the strange steamy jungles
of the 21st Century.
But he comes to a stop:
for there in the jungle clearing
standing in his path
is a bit of Eurasian Fluff
holding a fearsome carrot
in an aggressive stance.
Oh, King Simon is taken
with the humor of the situation.
He guffaws! He slaps his thigh!
Lookst here, O loyal retainers!
This doughty Amazon dares
to slow the mighty army of Simon!
But there is no laughter;
Lo, there is silence from the ranks.
King Simon turns around
but his retainers and loyal guardsmen
have vanished into the mist.
And behind the steamy foliage
he sees a thousand eyes watching him:
O horror! What is this diabolical trap?
From the dark Eurasian undergrowth
emerge endless ranks of Eurasian Fluff
drawing sharpened carrots
from their cleavages;
and thus it was, that bloody vengeance
was wreaked on Former King Simon
and his neck high pile of gold doubloons.

Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as Mike Hosking, Ashley Bloomfield, Clarke Gayford, Brian Tamaki, Dr Siouxsie Wiles, and Garrick Tremain.

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